Love is in the air in Los Angeles! And in the water too, apparently. There’s no escaping amour in this version of Valentine’s Day, so don’t even think about it! But are any of our would-be lovebirds The Reel Thing? Here’s our take on it.

Kara Monahan and Kelvin Moore: We’re not sure what the attraction is for Kelvin. Oh, sure, Kara is beautiful and successful, but who isn’t in LA? And since when is bawling while binge-eating the way to a man’s heart? The fact that they’re both workaholics we suspect will work against them, and Kara’s many neuroses are bound to get old pretty quick. Frankly, we think Kelvin can do better. And we hope Kara gets some much-needed therapy. Reel Thing Rating: 1 out of 5 Reels.

Holden and Sean Jackson: It’s hard to speculate too much about these two, since they were our big gay surprise at the end and we saw them together for about two seconds. But it certainly shows commitment that Sean is willing to be the first football player to come out while still in the game, and Holden’s generosity to Kate makes us think well of him. We think these hunks have a good chance. Reel Thing Rating: 4 out of 5 Reels.

(As an aside, we did find it interesting that apparently gay dudes in love don’t feel the need to kiss when one of them returns home from a trip and the other has made a life-altering decision while they were apart. Good to know, Hollywood.)

Dr. Harrison Copeland and Pamela Copeland: The question here is not if they’ll get divorced but when. Although the last we see of Harrison he’s been packed off to a hotel and looking miserable, we suspect this thing will drag on a while longer. You don’t get to be as slick in the adultery department as Harrison is without some practice, and Pamela has a long-suffering look to her. We think there will be flowers and jewelry and some truly pathetic groveling, and this time she’ll take him back. In the future, though, he’ll stray once too often, and she’ll take him to the cleaners. Reel Thing Rating: 0 out of 5 Reels.

Edgar and Estelle: If being together for fifty years and still loving each other isn’t The Reel Thing, we don’t know what is! Reel Thing Rating: 5 out of 5 Reels.

Julia Fitzpatrick and Reed Bennett: These two have probably been The Reel Thing for a while now but just didn’t get the memo. They have a lot in common, and they’ve been friends forever. They’re both affable and kind and, hey, a little dense. He expects other people to tell him whether his relationship is working or not, and she won’t listen to warnings that her boyfriend is married. It’s a match made in slightly dimwitted heaven. We do have some gene-pool concerns for their children, however. Reel Thing Rating: 5 out of 5 Reels.

Liz and Jason: Frankly, we’re surprised this relationship lasted for the entire movie. Jason seems interested, but not smitten, and the phone sex thing is clearly a problem for him. Liz appears determined not to give it up—since that’s how she’s financing her acting dreams—but we wonder why she couldn’t at least have put it on hold while she was out on her date. The “I love you” comes out of nowhere. Hey, it’s easy to get carried away in the moment, especially on the big, pink holiday. We suspect things will look very different in the morning, for both of them. Reel Thing Rating: 0 out of 5 Reels.

Grace and Alex: They’re sweet together, but let’s face it. Yale is really far away from California. We give them until the third semester. But in the future when they’re telling the people they do end up with about their first relationship, we suspect they’ll do it with a little smile. Reel Thing Rating: 2 out of 5 Reels.

Felicia and Willy: They’ve got great chemistry together, to put it mildly, but for us, this has “disastrous first marriage” written all over it. They’ll go to the same college, get married right after graduation, and have the dubious honor of being the first at their high school reunion to be divorced. Hopefully, their second marriages will work out better. Reel Thing Rating: 1 out of 5 Reels.

Alphonso and wife: When you spend Valentine’s Day trading smiles while hanging out on your kids’ swing set, that’s forever, baby! Reel Thing Rating: 5 out of 5 Reels.

Edison and Rani: Since they’re, like, ten years old, we’re guessing this isn’t it for them, but, boy, are they cute. Run away from the arranged marriage, Rani!

Kate Hazeltine and Edison: Nobody will ever love you like your mother!

Paula Thomas and Vladimir: We predict they have many hours of Russian-accented naughty fun ahead of them!

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