Note from k&c: This is our first “Retro Reel,” an oldie but goodie, which we will be introducing every Friday. Enjoy!

The Movie: Dirty Dancing

Reel Thing Rating: 0 out of 5 Reels
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When pondering this couple, we realized that it was not so much a question of “Will they get together” but more one of “How can we keep them apart?”    As annoying as they are separately they are even more so together.  We tried to ask ourselves what they have in common and the answer was a resounding “Nothing.”

These two have too many strikes against them. They come from completely different backgrounds, and there’s a big age difference. Just saying the couple’s name makes us feel dirty, and not in a good way. Seriously – Johnny & Baby? Their wedding invitation will read more like an Amber Alert. If they were to actually get married we just can’t see it lasting. And are we the only ones that see them at their wedding in the same clothes as that last scene – her in a pink dress and him in the black leather jacket? (Actually we picture him like the Fonz, wearing his leather jacket wherever he goes – over his janitor uniform, in bed, at the christening.)

What’s more her parents hate him, and that can wear on a relationship very quickly. Yes her father kind of comes around in the end, but we don’t see him ever accepting Johnny as good enough for his Baby. We don’t really see Johnny thinking he’s good enough for Baby either. He’s got swagger, but not true self-confidence. Baby doesn’t have a whole lot of it either but she’s still very young and unlike Johnny she’s had a very supportive upbringing, so we can definitely see her developing more over time.

We were teenage girls at one time and we know what it’s like to have a crush on that dangerous older guy (although let’s remember, people, it’s not Sean Connery).  Nevertheless – do you really want to marry the first guy you sleep with? And what we really can’t figure out is what is his attraction to her, other than a virgin lay? Say the words ”Most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you” to any guy, even your husband, and we guarantee he’ll run screaming from the room.  The movie is so filled with moments like this that we never cease to be amazed at how well it did at the box office.

We see several possible outcomes for these two and none of them is happily ever after. We see her going off to law school and one day working at the UN, or going off to Kenya with the Peace Corps to study the economics of developing countries as she so fervently evangelizes. The best we can envision for Johnny is that he opens a dance school, which will give him a successful career of his own. And which also means that he’ll spend his days surrounded by beautiful young dancers while Baby is off saving the world. The worst case scenario, a/k/a what actually happens, is that he spends his days sitting on the couch in his underwear (and leather jacket), drinking beer and waiting for his wife the civil rights lawyer to get home and make dinner. Maybe he’ll occasionally rouse himself to go pay a visit to one of the ladies down the street. Hey, they’re throwing themselves at him. And they smell so good!

Mark our words; she’ll rue the day she yelled “You’re wild!” instead of “You’re history!” in that car.

Love is in the air in Los Angeles! And in the water too, apparently. There’s no escaping amour in this version of Valentine’s Day, so don’t even think about it! But are any of our would-be lovebirds The Reel Thing? Here’s our take on it.

Kara Monahan and Kelvin Moore: We’re not sure what the attraction is for Kelvin. Oh, sure, Kara is beautiful and successful, but who isn’t in LA? And since when is bawling while binge-eating the way to a man’s heart? The fact that they’re both workaholics we suspect will work against them, and Kara’s many neuroses are bound to get old pretty quick. Frankly, we think Kelvin can do better. And we hope Kara gets some much-needed therapy. Reel Thing Rating: 1 out of 5 Reels.

Holden and Sean Jackson: It’s hard to speculate too much about these two, since they were our big gay surprise at the end and we saw them together for about two seconds. But it certainly shows commitment that Sean is willing to be the first football player to come out while still in the game, and Holden’s generosity to Kate makes us think well of him. We think these hunks have a good chance. Reel Thing Rating: 4 out of 5 Reels.

(As an aside, we did find it interesting that apparently gay dudes in love don’t feel the need to kiss when one of them returns home from a trip and the other has made a life-altering decision while they were apart. Good to know, Hollywood.)

Dr. Harrison Copeland and Pamela Copeland: The question here is not if they’ll get divorced but when. Although the last we see of Harrison he’s been packed off to a hotel and looking miserable, we suspect this thing will drag on a while longer. You don’t get to be as slick in the adultery department as Harrison is without some practice, and Pamela has a long-suffering look to her. We think there will be flowers and jewelry and some truly pathetic groveling, and this time she’ll take him back. In the future, though, he’ll stray once too often, and she’ll take him to the cleaners. Reel Thing Rating: 0 out of 5 Reels.

Edgar and Estelle: If being together for fifty years and still loving each other isn’t The Reel Thing, we don’t know what is! Reel Thing Rating: 5 out of 5 Reels.

Julia Fitzpatrick and Reed Bennett: These two have probably been The Reel Thing for a while now but just didn’t get the memo. They have a lot in common, and they’ve been friends forever. They’re both affable and kind and, hey, a little dense. He expects other people to tell him whether his relationship is working or not, and she won’t listen to warnings that her boyfriend is married. It’s a match made in slightly dimwitted heaven. We do have some gene-pool concerns for their children, however. Reel Thing Rating: 5 out of 5 Reels.

Liz and Jason: Frankly, we’re surprised this relationship lasted for the entire movie. Jason seems interested, but not smitten, and the phone sex thing is clearly a problem for him. Liz appears determined not to give it up—since that’s how she’s financing her acting dreams—but we wonder why she couldn’t at least have put it on hold while she was out on her date. The “I love you” comes out of nowhere. Hey, it’s easy to get carried away in the moment, especially on the big, pink holiday. We suspect things will look very different in the morning, for both of them. Reel Thing Rating: 0 out of 5 Reels.

Grace and Alex: They’re sweet together, but let’s face it. Yale is really far away from California. We give them until the third semester. But in the future when they’re telling the people they do end up with about their first relationship, we suspect they’ll do it with a little smile. Reel Thing Rating: 2 out of 5 Reels.

Felicia and Willy: They’ve got great chemistry together, to put it mildly, but for us, this has “disastrous first marriage” written all over it. They’ll go to the same college, get married right after graduation, and have the dubious honor of being the first at their high school reunion to be divorced. Hopefully, their second marriages will work out better. Reel Thing Rating: 1 out of 5 Reels.

Alphonso and wife: When you spend Valentine’s Day trading smiles while hanging out on your kids’ swing set, that’s forever, baby! Reel Thing Rating: 5 out of 5 Reels.

Edison and Rani: Since they’re, like, ten years old, we’re guessing this isn’t it for them, but, boy, are they cute. Run away from the arranged marriage, Rani!

Kate Hazeltine and Edison: Nobody will ever love you like your mother!

Paula Thomas and Vladimir: We predict they have many hours of Russian-accented naughty fun ahead of them!

The Movie: Did You Hear About The Morgans?

Reel Thing Rating: 3 out of 5 reels.
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We think a better question would be “Do You Care About The Morgans.” It is hard to imagine a couple with less chemistry than Paul and Meryl Morgan. We’d almost find it more believable if Paul Morgan had married Divine Brown. Actually we’d find it more believable if Meryl Morgan had married Divine Brown. We simply can’t figure out what brought the two of them together. She claims that it was his sense of humor that made her fall for him, but as his jokes are pretty terrible, we’re left to wonder.

However..now that they are together, we guess we’ll just have to evaluate the situation as it currently stands.

Paul Morgan, a Manhattan lawyer, and his real-estate-broker wife Meryl teeter on the edge of divorce after Paul’s infidelity. Paul has been desperately trying to win Meryl back, and as (bad) luck would have it, the erstwhile couple witnesses a murder in the midst of one of his wooing attempts. The criminals are Seriously Bad Dudes, so the FBI has to whisk the Morgans out of town fast, before the Witness Protection bureaucracy can set up separate locations for them. Cue the forced togetherness! In Montana, no less!

We expected the story to follow a tried-but-true course: being pulled away from everything that’s familiar would give the couple a chance to reflect, discover new things about themselves and each other, redefine their relationship, grow as individuals, and end up better people. The Morgans never got that memo, apparently. Maybe it was sent out after they turned in their blackberries.

Oh, we do find out that Meryl also slept with someone else while the couple was separated. But where’s the a-ha moment there? That they’re both bad at being married?

The big finale takes place at the rodeo. Naturally. The Morgans have to work together to elude the Seriously Bad Dudes, and Paul puts himself on the line to protect Meryl, prompting one of the more gaggy “you love, you really love me” bits of dialogue in recent memory. Their lives and their relationship are saved!

(As an aside, we have to note that a pivotal moment in the final action sequence involves a horseshoe being hurled at a Seriously Bad Dude’s head and knocking him out. You think we’re making that up trying to be funny, but, sadly, no. It actually happened.)

The tricky part about our jobs here at The Reel Thing is that we’re reviewing the couple, not the movie. We’re not here to answer the question: should you spend $12.50 on this or not? (If you’ve seen the trailer, we figure you already know the answer to that.) Instead, we ponder: are these two crazy kids meant to be?

Believe it or not we actually think the Morgans are going to make it. They really do have a lot in common. They are both pretty inane, superficial people, both have slept with someone else while pretending outrage at the other’s infidelity. We could not find a single admirable or endearing quality in either of them; her membership in PETA does little to cancel out the fact that the only thing she really seems to care about are her wardrobe (which is clearly designer level and therefore presumably made up of a fair number of dead animals). Neither of them seems to have any real sense of fear or of the seriousness of the situation they are in, and neither seems to learn anything or experience any growth from the experience. They are both the stereotypical one-dimensional types that find themselves in a new environment and decide that everyone else has to adapt to what they want. So in the end we decided that maybe they’re perfect for each other. They’re both workaholics. Both like clothes. Both have about as much substance as a ball of lint. They both think Paul is funny. It’s a match made in folie-a-deux heaven!

We award the Morgans 3 out of 5 reels. (We were going to give them a 4 but we’re deducting 1 reel for the horseshoe thing, because, you know, it was a horseshoe.)

The Movie: It’s Complicated

Reel Thing Rating: Jane and Jake, 2 out of 5 reels.
Reel Thing Rating: Jane and Adam, 3 out of 5 reels.
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Trying to figure out who’s the Reel Thing here is as the title suggests: complicated. Ten years ago, Jake and Jane Adler got divorced after Jake’s affair with a younger woman, whom he subsequently married. At their son’s graduation in New York, Jake and Jane hook up, and despite the fact that Jane declares it the worst mistake two people could possibly make, they continue the affair after they return home.

Meanwhile, Jane is just starting the long dreamed-of renovation of her house, and Adam, her architect, has his eye on her. After several meetings to talk business, she finally realizes that Adam would like to take things in a more romantic direction. Here seems like the perfect antidote to the craziness with Jake, and the two begin to date.

So which couple is the Reel Thing?

In some ways, we could see Jake and Jane successfully rekindling their relationship. They know each other so well, share so much history, and fall back into being together effortlessly. At the same time, they’ve both grown wiser since their marriage failed. (Or at least, Jane has. The verdict is still out on Jake.) Jane’s new confidence brings a spark to their dynamic that’s exciting to them both. Plus, for Jane, there’s the undeniable thrill of snatching her husband back from the woman who stole him from her.

On the other hand, the fact that they share so much history could also stand in their way. Jake has now cheated on two wives, and serial philandering tends to be an untreatable condition. Jake seems to stray when the going gets rough at home, and we wonder if he’d even be pursuing Jane if things were happier with his current wife. But even if Jake were truly committed to Jane for life, is it possible to trust someone again when they’ve betrayed you so badly? Not to mention that there are the kids to consider. The divorce was traumatic for them and so is their parents’ affair.

As for Adam, he and Jane have an easy, comfortable connection. They like each other, have fun together, and make each other laugh. We don’t sense any excess of passion, but compared to the lusty antics between Jane and Jake, that seems more refreshingly adult and sane than disappointing. With Adam, Jane has a new beginning, and in the end, isn’t it better to go forward than to go back?

So we give the edge to Adam, but we kind of doubt either relationship is for keeps. Jane has arrived at a point where her life is complete whether or not she has a man. She has good friends, does work she loves, enjoys a close relationship with her grown-up children, and is just plain comfortable in her skin. It’s obvious that all this wisdom is hard-won, and we’re not sure how many compromises Jane will be willing to make to be in a relationship. We think it’s just possible that Jane’s Reel Thing is her independence.

And the winner is…Edward Lewis & Vivien Ward, Pretty Woman.

We thought long and hard before we selected our TRT inaugural couple.  Who to choose for our “cover”?   New couple or classic, well matched or not?  Scarlett & Rhett?  Jack & Rose?  Johnny & Baby?

We decided to kick it off with a classic that everyone knows and loves.  Or doesn’t.  We wanted names that are instantly recognizable, and to be honest, a couple on the low end of the scale. Because let’s face it – they’re just more fun.  And truthfully that’s the whole point of this website.

While the names Edward & Vivien may not have the household recognition of a Harry & Sally, we defy you to find someone that doesn’t know the movie Pretty Woman.

And so – to the Reel Thing debut review.

Edward & Vivien. People.  Please.  Are you honestly telling us that there is a believer among you?  Is there anyone out there that truly thinks that these two are going to have, in Vivien’s words, “the fairytale?”  Sad to say but Viv’s friend Kit is the only sensible one in this scenario.

Sure we went with it for a while; we drank the Kool-Aid.  Things started out dreamy, as they do in every new relationship.  We started getting sucked in by Ed and Viv the way Viv got sucked in by the champagne and raspberries.  But there was one small problem, something niggling at us..let’s see, what was it, what was it…

Oh wait – she’s a HOOKER!

Like a walk along the Sunset Strip, we got smacked by a dose of reality.  Are we supposed to just accept that he really is OK with her past?  We know there are a lot of professionals out there with a lot more experience under their belts but still – once your guy knows you’ve slept with strangers for money it’s just a matter of time before that rears its ugly head.  Like in the eventual custody battle, for instance.

The relationship is not remotely believable.  Guys that grow up in penthouses may visit whorehouses but they’re typically not shopping for their future brides.  So we just can’t see Ed and Viv spending their golden years having early suppers together at the club.  Yes, Edward is an only child and we know at least one of his parents is gone, so perhaps he won’t have any family approval issues to deal with.  But there is still going to be a lot of peer pressure from all of his rich, gossipy friends.  And while he seems perfectly capable of rising above it, we wonder if she is. Every dinner party and bridge game will be like reliving her encounter with the women from the clothing store.

Even if you were able to put the matter of her career aside, there’s still too much of an age, class and background distinction.  Edward is about 40; she’s 22.  We don’t see that gap narrowing as they get older.  He’s also pretty emotionally stunted; we doubt that one hike up a 5th floor fire escape is going to do what years of therapy could not.  And while Viv does clean up nice, a few expensive dresses do not a sense of style make.  Two days ago she thought hot pants and thigh-high boots were appropriate for daytime shopping.  That doesn’t change overnight.  What happens when she wears them to the charity golf outing?  He can’t pick out her clothes for the rest of her life.

Don’t get us wrong; they do have chemistry.  (There’s a shocker – a rich handsome man and a beautiful young woman that does “everything” have chemistry.  Attraction doesn’t get any easier than that.)  It’s that chemistry that made us drink the Kool-Aid in the first place.  In fact when we first started to consider this couple we were transported back to 1995 and the first time we saw it; we could even smell the popcorn.  We remember cheering along as this lovely, sparkly Cinderella got her prince. It seemed the most romantic movie we’d ever seen.  That thing with the jewelry box?  Was there a girl in the theater that didn’t want to be in her shoes at that moment?  And there were so many other delightful moments like this – the utterly extravagant shopping spree, her first trip to the opera, the picnic in the park, and the way in which Edward was given full reign over the restaurant after hours. We were completely sucked in by the sheer indulgence of it all.

As we recall this delusion lasted half an hour.  Which is 30 minutes longer than we give this relationship.

We therefore award our First Couple a heartfelt and unanimous 0 Reels.

The Movie: The Ugly Truth

Reel Thing Rating: 3 out of 5 Reels
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K and I staggered out of the theater feeling positively concussed by this movie’s over-the-top “battle of the sexes” premise and a truly cringe-worthy scene in which a remote-control sex toy is accidentally worn to a business dinner and the ensuing orgasm gag lasts about three times as long as forever.

Needless to say, our initial answer to the question “are they The Reel Thing?” was a resounding “hell, no!” We questioned whether love could exist at all when women are from Planet Control Freak and men are from some world where Peter Pan is a paragon of adult responsibility. Truly we despaired for humanity!

The characters are drawn in such an exaggerated way to set up the joke that it’s hard to like them. Abby Richter is an anal retentive cable TV producer with some annoying personal quirks. Mike Chadway is the cynical, loud-mouthed pick-up artist hired by the network to help boost ratings. The story follows a predictable course. Instant hate! Grudging friendship! Attraction! Misunderstanding! True love! (In an actual hot air balloon, and no, we haven’t stopped gagging yet.)

Along the way, Abby learns to relax a little. We were sure that Mike was a boor to end all boors and even if they were to actually make it as far as an altar he’d be cheating on her with another pair of jello shots before they leave for their honeymoon.  However we did start to believe that there was a heart in there after all, as evidenced by his love for his nephew.  We actually think he’d be a great dad, even with daughters.  And once we learn his cynicism is a cover for some deep hurt he’s experienced in the past, we feel a little more optimistic for their chances.

So – are they The Reel Thing? Who the hell knows? They’ve certainly seen the worst of each other, and they weathered that ugly truth. Do we care at all about their future happiness?  Not even a little bit!

We’re going to be honest. The previews of this movie made the possibility of true big screen love seem…well, unlikely is a word that comes to mind. Marrying your boss to get a green card for her and a promotion for yourself? Marrying your boss who’s one psychiatrist visit away from a diagnosis of anti-social personality disorder? Honestly, just marrying your boss at all? Suuuuuuuure! That seems like a great idea.

Color us pleasantly surprised that this movie couple proved to be far more delightful than we ever would have guessed. Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are both extremely likeable actors, and they have a great rapport on screen, which is fun to watch. After all the movies we’ve sat through where a leading man in his sixties or seventies bags a babe young enough to be his daughter or, hey, granddaughter (think Woody Allen, think Sean Connery), we cheered to see Margaret win the heart of her younger guy.

We have no doubt that Margaret and Andrew can take on the Federal government (even the INS!) and ultimately prevail. They are two very determined people. Our hesitation? We’re not sure they can overcome their own history together.

The story begins with cold-hearted, ambition-driven Margaret terrorizing the cubicle jockeys at the publishing company where she is queen bee. Most put upon of all is Andrew, who only humors her crazy demands because he has his sights set on becoming an editor himself. The balance of power shifts when it’s discovered that Margaret is (gasp!) Canadian and her visa is set to expire. To stay in the country and keep her job, she’s going to need some matrimonial assistance from Andrew.

They trot off to Alaska where Andrew’s family lives to add some believability to their sudden “romance.” It’s here, outside the circumstances of their daily lives, that they really see each other for the first time. Margaret discovers that Andrew is not some spineless peon, but an actual man who is kind, intelligent, capable and sexy. (And, hey, it doesn’t hurt that he’s rich, either!) Andrew realizes that Margaret isn’t “Satan’s mistress” so much as a beautiful woman who is lonely, more vulnerable than she wants to let on, over-compensating for being a woman in a man’s world, and capable of genuine feelings.

We totally buy that they would fall for each in the intimate circumstance of pretending to be a couple. We fell for them ourselves! But will it last? We fear not.

It’s hard for us to accept that Margaret is just misunderstood as she’s made out to be. We think some of those hard edges are for real, and they’ll resurface in the relationship. Also, we’re not so sure all is completely forgiven and forgotten on Andrew’s part. We can imagine him yelling out in the middle of a fight: Oh, yeah? Well, remember that time you made me go out in the middle of that category 3 hurricane to buy you tampons? He may be Ryan Reynolds, but he’s only human.

Still, we give the movie credit for ending on a realistic note. There’s no promise of happily ever after, just plans for a green card wedding so Margaret and Andrew can date and get to know one another better. We predict they’ll have a few good years together. Then Margaret will get her permanent resident status, and they’ll amicably go their separate ways, liking themselves and each other a whole lot better than when they began.

This may not be riding off into the sunset material, but a relationship that helps a couple grow as people…we think that deserves 3 reels.

Although the romance between Spock and Uhura takes less than 5 minutes of screen time we found it to be tremendous fun and couldn’t resist a quick TRT analysis of the couple:

It goes without saying that these two could not be more different; we just cannot see the passionate Uhura with the emotionless Spock, even for a fling.  She feels everything and he feels nothing.  Although after further pondering it started to dawn on us - how are they different from any other couple?

-When she’s upset over a fight with her best green girlfriend, he’ll have no reaction.
-When she has a lousy day on the Enterprise, he’ll have no reaction.
-When the kids are driving her crazy, he’ll have no reaction.
-When her mother dies, he’ll have no reaction.

Give him a remote and he’s just like every other guy we know.

We don’t really see her with Kirk either.  Frankly none of these people look like the settling down type, at least not at the moment.  We can see Uhura marrying eventually but we can more easily see her with the professional, sophisticated Captain Pike than with the hothead or the cold fish.  Uhura will want and have no trouble finding someone rich and successful to live long and prosper with.

Wow.  No.

We’re a bit worried that we are starting to run the risk of sounding sexist.  But it can’t be helped – there is just no way that the intelligent, serious Luke is going to fall for the brainless, superficial, label-hungry Rebecca.  He is way too centered and she is way too addictive.  One good closet cleaning is not enough to cure that strong of an urge.  She’ll be racking up those transaction fees again in no time. 

Even if there was the remotest inkling of sexual chemistry between them it still wouldn’t carry them further than a weekend.  We just can’t see him putting up with her idiocy for very long unless he’s always wanted to experience the joys of bankruptcy firsthand.