Honestly, the title of the movie pretty much sums up the couple’s chances of making it. But in the interest of entertaining our loyal readers, we will delve into all the ways that a match between a woman who keeps leaving fiances at the altar and the hard-nosed journalist who’s trying to expose her probably isn’t The Reel Thing.

Maggie Carpenter has a lot going for her. She has a close family, work she loves, and she looks just like Julia Roberts. When it comes to commitment, though, Maggie’s got problems. She’s already left three guys at the altar–earning herself tabloid infamy and the nickname “The Runaway Bride”–and she’s currently working on number four. When a reporter shows up in town intent on doing an in-depth article on her, this is the last thing she needs.

For Ike Graham, veteran New York City reporter, it’s personal even before he meets Maggie. After penning a column filled with errors, fueled by the vitriol of one of Maggie’s jilted exes, he’s fired from his job at the paper. He comes to Maggie’s hometown to prove that he was right about her all along.

Naturally the two do not hit it off. Ike finds Maggie to be a living affront to men everywhere, and Maggie does not appreciate the invasion of her privacy. However, as the two spend more time together, they come to understand one another better, and an attraction begins to grow. On the day of Maggie’s wedding rehearsal, a somewhat contrived turn of events has Ike standing in for the intended groom. It quickly becomes clear to everyone–including the intended groom–that Maggie and Ike have fallen for each other. Ike gets punched in the face, and Maggie gets herself a new fiance, and they live happily ever after.

NOT!

Come the actual day of the wedding, Maggie once again flees to freedom–this time on a handy FedEX delivery truck.

If this were not a Hollywood romantic comedy, no doubt this is where the storyline would begin to wonder if marriage is actually right for Maggie. When you’ve left four different men at the altar, it really is the institution, not the individual. Maybe this isn’t the right time in Maggie’s life for marriage. Maybe it never will be. And what’s wrong with that? There are a lot of ways to be happy in life. Marriage is only one of them.

But this is a Hollywood romantic comedy, so Maggie moves to the big city to pursue her career and eventually to pursue Ike. She shows up at his apartment, makes friends with his cat, turns in her running shoes, and proposes. Ike, who should run as fast and as far as he can go, says yes for some unfathomable reason. The two tie the knot and ride off into the sunset on horseback. Everyone celebrates the fact that Maggie finally got married.

We suspect there will soon be yet another wedding dress to donate to the Salvation Army. We can only hope that post-divorce Maggie will listen to what her subconscious has been trying to tell her and do men everywhere a favor by remaining blissfully single.

How many millions of dollars does it take before you can overlook a major drinking problem?

Arthur Bach is a mega-millionaire, the sole heir to a long-established family fortune. While that single feature would be enough to attract a fair number of potential wives, he is not without baggage. He’s a small child trapped in the body of a not much bigger man. Not only has he never worked a day in his life, he’s never done anything for himself in his life. Between his manservant Hobson, his driver Bitterman, and his stern but doting grandmother Martha, there’s always someone to take care of his every need. And the only thing he has to do to guarantee that he keeps getting money for the rest of his life is to marry Susan Johnson, the woman his family has hand-picked for him.

And then there’s the drinking. Most likely feeling unworthy due to his complete lack of usefulness, Arthur is a raging alcoholic. He gets drunk daily and shows up for every event in his life completely hammered; he can’t even get through his morning bath without a pitcher of martinis. And with unlimited funds behind him he can afford to drink the best every day and not have to worry about driving himself home.

Arthur does have an endearing innocence about him, and an entertaining sense of humor, although no one seems to find him as funny as he does. He loves to play and has a child’s capacity for fun. Yet there are clearly issues of insecurity lurking beneath the surface; no one drinks that much because they’re happy and fulfilled. Or asks a prostitute he just met 10 minutes before if she likes him in such earnest. As Arthur himself says, “Everyone who drinks is not a poet. Maybe some of us drink because we’re not poets.”

Into all this madness comes Linda Marolla, a tough-talking Italian girl from the outer boroughs that Arthur rescues from a shoplifting charge one day at Bergdorf Goodman. She’s poor, she’s hardworking, she’s kooky. She lies and steals. She’s different, and Arthur is immediately smitten. And of course for Linda’s part, meeting a rich and charming prince must seem like a fairytale.

But while we can understand the initial attraction between these two, we have serious doubts about their potential for longevity. And ironically we think it’s Linda that will throw in the towel first. It’s not that Arthur isn’t lovable. He’s cute, he’s caring and he’s decent. He’s got piles of money. But watching your husband drink himself into a stupor every night, standing by as he pisses away his health and his fortune, wondering if he’s going to back the car one of your kids one day, could make the price of even the largest of fortunes too high to pay.

Even if Arthur were to spend a year at Betty Ford, he’s still got a tremendous amount of growing up to do. He has no sense of self-sufficiency – he’s never had a job; he’s never even turned on the water for his own bath. And while this little quirk might be acceptable in a friend, it would wear thin fast in a spouse. We also have to seriously question his capability as a father. Yes he’d be a fun one, but would he truly be able to raise children, to teach them anything of value besides how to drink Scotch?

Arthur’s ex-fiance Susan tells him “A real woman could stop you from drinking,” to which he replies “She’d have to be a real big woman.” Unless Linda plans to start eating heavily, we don’t think she’ll be up to the task.

Side note: Yes we know there’s a remake. But much as we like Helen Mirren and Jennifer Garner, nothing could induce us to go see a movie with Russell Brand, whose career we find even more inexplicable than Adam Sandler’s.

Cher Horowitz is clueless when it comes to matters of the heart. Actually when it comes to matters of pretty much everything else as well.

Cher’s a high school senior that spends her free time to matchmaking, usually with disastrous results. She’s convinced that she knows what’s best for everyone around her, when in fact she doesn’t even know what’s best for herself, and manages to miss even the most obvious clues. She is unaware that her best friend Elton likes her, or that Christian, the guy she likes, is gay. When new girl Tai arrives at the school, she immediately takes her on as her new “project”. She remakes her wardrobe and then spends her time throwing Tai at every guy except the one that Tai really likes, lovable stoner Travis.

Her ex-stepbrother Josh is the polar opposite. He’s honest, hard-working, and interested in politics and current events. He would never fake a broken heart to appeal to a teacher for a better grade. Yet he is somehow inexplicably interested in Cher. Cher is quite the hottie, and we can understand him having a purely physical attraction for her. But we can’t see him seriously considering a relationship with his former stepsister, who knows nothing about life beyond her own small little world and clearly doesn’t care to. As for Cher, she thinks Josh is just a book-loving nerd, but when he comes to the rescue of her friend Tai, and Cher begins to suspect that Tai’s crush on Josh is reciprocated, she suddenly decides that Josh is the one for her.

When Cher finally gets out of her own way, and everyone else’s, things do actually work out. Tai and Travis finally get together, and somehow Cher and Josh connect as well. Yet we can’t see these two lasting too long. True, Cher and Josh are not related, or even step-related any longer. Yes Cher is trying to become a better person, to learn more about the world outside of Beverly Hills, and to get more involved. And yes, the two both have a clever, sarcastic streak that provides for some interesting banter. But they still feel more like brother and sister than boyfriend and girlfriend, which makes them becoming boyfriend and girlfriend a bit icky. Cher’s interest in Josh simply feels like a case of wanting what she thinks she can’t have. And we think it won’t be long before Cher’s foolishness starts to wear on Josh’s nerves. Pretty soon he’ll head back to the library and she’ll head back to the mall.

We think we’d have to be pretty clueless to think that Cher and Josh are The Reel Thing.

Ferris Bueller is a high school senior that has already learned how to enjoy life more than most people three times his age. He does even the littlest things in a big way, and with the exception of his jealous, resentful sister, everyone – including the sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies and dickheads – all adore him.

Waking up one spring morning he sees it’s too beautiful a day to waste it listening to his economics teacher drone on about the Hawley-Smoot Tariff. He decides to skip school and take both his best friend Cameron and girlfriend Sloane along for the ride, and the three spend an amazing day together enjoying the sights and attractions of Chicago. What we loved about this movie was that it didn’t take Ferris & Friends completely out of their realm or have them do anything death-defying or physically impossible. They simply enjoyed the best things available to them within their own hometown: a drive in a classic Ferrari, fine dining, great art, a baseball game, an illicit dip in a pool, and of course the gleeful satisfaction that comes from outwitting both your parents and school officials. Somehow these three miraculously manage to do it all without getting into trouble; Ferris is an artist when it comes to wriggling his way out of a tricky situation and this day is no exception.

Several times during their day together Ferris declares his love for Sloane, both to her and to the camera, and his desire to marry her. Is he for real or is this just another tricky situation that Ferris will have to wriggle out of later? We have no doubt that he cares deeply for Sloane and she clearly feels the same for him. But can it last? We’re not sure. Both are still in high school and not even of legal age. There’s a good chance that they will remain together until graduation and the subsequent summer break, but start to drift apart once they go off to their respective colleges.

And yet…there is something about these two that we can’t write off completely. It’s most likely the first love for both of them which is something you never forget. Adventurous as he is Ferris also has a serious side, and we think once he finds something he loves and commits to it – be it a friend, a woman, a home, a career – that’s it for him. He may get distracted (let’s not forget the two bikini-clad sunbathers that he meets on his way home), but we don’t see him as the type to date around. We think he genuinely appreciates women, and people. Sloane is a bit more cautious but also shares his sense of adventure, and we think if these two do manage to stick it out they will have an amazing life together. They’ll both be successful at their chosen careers, and be wonderful, loving parents that will instill in their children qualities of love, laughter, and fearlessness.

So despite their youth we think they have a shot. But even if they don’t one thing is for certain. Whether Ferris becomes a fry cook on Venus or the next Sausage King of Chicago, whoever he marries will be in for one hell of a ride.

Angela de Marco is a decent, upstanding woman, living on Long Island, and trying raise her only son Joey to be a decent, upstanding person. She also happens to be married to a mafia hit man.
When her husband is killed she decides to make a new life for herself and her son. She donates all of her (mostly hot) possessions to charity, moves to a tiny rundown apartment in the east village, and starts looking for a job. Unfortunately Angela’s past doesn’t want to let go of her as easily. She is tracked down by both her husband’s overly amorous former boss (and his killer), Tony ‘The Tiger’ Russo, the head of the crime family, and Tony’s jealous, irrational wife Connie.

The Feds are already onto Tony and they’re convinced that he and Angela are in cahoots. They send in two undercover agents to watch her, Ed Benitez and Mike Downey, and the two set up a stakeout in another apartment in Angela’s building to keep an eye on her. Angela and Mike soon bump into each other in the elevator, and she asks him out the next time she sees him. Mike agrees, convinced he’s going to get lucky, but not in the way that Angela hopes.

Yet the date turns out very differently than what Mike expects. It is clear that Angela is not even remotely interested in Tony, or anyone or anything from her past. When Connie barges in uninvited, convinced her husband is shacking up with Angela, Mike finally sees the real Angie, not the conniving myth he thinks he’s been investigating. And confronted with the obvious despair she feels at being forever trapped by her old life, Mike comforts her in a way that completely wins us over and has us rooting for these two for the rest of the movie.

Yet when we really stopped to analyze them later we wondered – would they really make it? They come from extremely different places and upbringings – he looks about as corn-fed middle America as you can get, and she’s a New York Italian princess. What happens when he brings her home for dinner with his God-fearing, church-going parents and they find out she was married to a mafia hit man? Who was killed by another mafia hit man?

And that’s not their only problem. He lied to her, and it was a pretty big lie. “I told you I was working late but I really stopped off at a bar to watch the game with some friends” – that’s a small lie. “I pretended I was just a nice working class guy that lives in your building but I’m actually an undercover FBI agent that’s been stalking you and plans to throw you in jail and deport your employer unless you risk your life helping us catch an organized crime boss” – well that’s a little tougher to swallow. And after all the years she spent with her lying, cheating, thieving husband, Angela is probably not anxious to be burned twice. She says she’s willing to give Mike a second chance – but is she really?

Nevertheless we just can’t forget that tender scene in her apartment, and we can’t deny that there is deep caring and attraction on both sides. Big lie aside, Mike is a very different animal than the one she was previously with. Underneath it all he does seem genuine and trustworthy, and we believe he loves and accepts Angela for who she is. He’d no doubt make a doting husband to her and a good father to Joey. OK so technically he’s a hit man too, but he’s on our side. Perhaps that will be enough to help them overcome their surface differences.

Once his parents are dead. (Hmmm…maybe a hit man could be handy after all…)

We admit it – we didn’t think too much of Jerry and Dorothy’s chances in the beginning. We were with Dorothy’s disapproving sister Laurel on this one: Jerry Maguire is a slick good-looking salesman that would be just as happy with a gardening tool. But as time wore on these two started to grow on us.

Although Jerry is a cutthroat professional sports agent who spends his day squeezing every dime he can out of team managers and commercial endorsements, underneath it all he does genuinely care about people. If he didn’t he would not have been as moved as he was by the appeal from his injured client’s young son to stop his father from playing, and he certainly would not have been compelled to write a manifesto urging more personal management of his company’s clients. Or been fired for doing it. He realizes he wants a closer relationship with the athletes he represents, and to connect with them as people, not just products.

It is this Jerry, the vulnerable idealist, that Dorothy Boyd both falls in love with and quits her job for. And while he does feel a fondness and an attraction for her, unfortunately the other Jerry, the one that thinks he should be with an Avery, not a Dorothy, is still rearing its ugly head from time to time, and it takes a while before Jerry realizes what a gem she really is. Dorothy believes in him; Avery, his trophy fiancee, doesn’t.

On a whim he marries her, but it’s really her son Ray that he’s fallen for, not her. That or the idea of shared expenses for his fledgling and nearly bankrupt company. Dorothy initially believes it can work, but after a few short weeks realizes she needs more out of a husband than just a father to her kid. Fortunately for Jerry, there comes a moment when he finally opens his eyes to what he’s about to lose before it’s too late.

The only other person that believes in him is his sole remaining client Rod Tidwell, a football player, and it is the love and support of these two people that sustain Jerry and help him become the person he was meant to be. As his professional relationship with Rod becomes more personal he begins to take an interest in all of his needs, not just the financial ones. Seeing the deep bond that Rod shares with his wife Marcee makes him realize what he wants in his own life. And when Rod takes a serious hit during a game, it shocks him into comprehension: there is love in his life that he can’t afford to lose.

So while Jerry and Dorothy didn’t have us at hello they did get us at goodbye. Seeing them walking hand-in-hand in the park with Ray gave us a sense of their lives together going forward, and we see it working. There is mutual love and respect, and the sense of teamwork that will come from building a company together that they believe in. Jerry adores Ray and will be a great father to him. They will remain close friends with Rod and Marcee. And who knows, maybe even Laurel will eventually come around.

This movie didn’t seem to inspire critics or audiences, but for some reason it really struck a chord with us.  Although in fairness we probably have to admit that it’s primarily because of the many great supporting performances – most notably Peter’s randy, bickering parents and James McAvoy as his randy, delightfully opportunistic brother that bets against him on every game. We did love Lizzie and Peter too (that big screen kiss after he won the tournament is one of our favorite guilty pleasure movie moments).  But do we really see them retiring to Miami together?  Sadly, probably not.

Peter Colt and Lizzie Bradbury are both professional tennis players but at opposite ends of their games. Lizzie is a young rising star; Peter has been playing for years and is already past the age when many pro players retire. The two meet at Wimbledon: Lizzie is a top seeded favorite and Peter is there because he won a wild card spot in the games. He’s already decided this will be the last tournament of his career. He’s clearly a long shot; he hasn’t won a major tournament in years and he’s got a whole host of physical complaints: mental and physical fatigue, sore muscles, knee pains and backaches.

We love the chemistry and clever banter between these two but don’t see how it can possibly last. Peter is already complaining about how old he feels; how is he going to keep up with a woman that’s nearly 20 years younger and full of more energy than most 2 year olds?  We know age is just a number, but we think the huge number between their ages is one they won’t get past.  They might make it last a couple of years but eventually she’ll also get tired and want to move on to someone that wants to stay up past 8PM. Furthermore, Lizzie is clearly poised to become a much bigger success than Peter ever was or ever will be, and we see some pretty serious professional and financial jealousy in his near future. Teaching tennis to kids and old ladies is not going to be satisfy him for long, and even the memory of his one great tennis season won’t be enough to sustain him on the days his beautiful young wife is out winning another tournament or posing for Wheaties ads.

They’ll have a couple of fun years, but it won’t be long before they’re heading from the tennis court to the divorce court.

It’s crazy we know, but there’s something about these two.  Yes they’re both still in high school, but both just seem wise beyond their years, and they’ve done the right thing by falling for their best friend.  Yes they’re both extremely young but they’ve already gone through a lot together and genuinely seem to care about each other.  But more than that, they seem to appreciate each other and know what it means to be in a relationship.

They will definitely have their challenges; giving up their first child is sure to affect both of them at different times down the line. But they have similar values, temperaments, musical tastes and interests, and we can see them going long term. Both are honest, loyal and have a compatible sense of humor and sarcasm. Even if they break up now, we think they will be one of those couples that reconnects later after realizing they’re meant to be. And although getting a divorce would take them out of 5 Reel range, we think that even if that were to happen, they would still remain friends to the end, both knowing deep down that the other was the one true partner for them.

Honest to blog, we think these two could make it.

Their friends don’t think it will work, their families don’t think it will work; hell – most of the time even THEY don’t think it will work. So why do we?

Is “we don’t know, we just do” an acceptable response? We can’t explain it – this is just one of those couples where despite the odds we feel they have that certain something that we think will keep them together. It’s chemistry, but more. Call it Chemistry Plus.

We do acknowledge that Alex and Isabel come together under circumstances pretty much guaranteed to break any couple up – a drunken, passionate one night stand that turns into instant commitment when Isabel discovers she’s pregnant. That situation usually has most guys yelling “Entrapment!” and running for the nearest vasectomy. On top of that they come from vastly different backgrounds: he’s an uptight upper east side wasp and she’s a fiery chica from south of the border. He’s an only child and she’s got about 37 siblings and a huge extended family. She’s a strict Catholic; he probably only goes to church for weddings and funerals. Yet despite all this Alex steps up, and having accepted his responsibility we think he is actually a good match for Isabel. He’s young – yes, he’s immature – undisputedly; yet he’s not a player and he’s clearly crazy about his new bride. He works hard. His biggest issue seems to be honesty – he lies to his wife, he lies to his parents, and he lies to himself. Yet once he realizes that Isabel is the one for him we think his commitment will be long-lasting, as will hers to him.

They will have bumps along the road for sure. Alex is not going to grow up overnight, and the differences between their backgrounds, families and religions will continue to present hurdles, especially once kids are in the picture. But they will be a source of excitement and surprises as well. Where they settle will also continue to be an issue – he’s willing to go wherever his career takes him, and she will always want to remain rooted to the desert and her family. Her volatile nature will mean they will have plenty of fights, but plenty of opportunities to make up as well.

We may be the fools here, but we think Alex and Isabel have rushed into The Reel Thing.

OK, we know the actors get together in real life (and are still together today, 25 years later), and that, as there appears to be little difference between the actors and their onscreen characters, that probably tends to skew everyone’s opinion of Mick and Sue’s potential as a couple. But do we really think they could be The Reel Thing?

Sorry mates, but we don’t. She is a sophisticated New Yorker from a wealthy family; he is a backwoods crocodile poacher from Down Under. Honestly, other than physical chemistry and perhaps the added danger for her of dating someone so completely alien and inappropriate, what could they possibly have in common?

We could definitely see her wanting to have a fling with him while they’re both in Australia. He’s charming, he’s sexy, he’s a little rough around the edges. And he definitely ranks higher on the testosterone meter than Richard, the self-centered milksop she’s been dating. But we think once she gets back to New York and sees Mick on her home turf through her city goggles she’s going to wish she hadn’t lured him halfway around the globe. (Trust us – we’ve traveled and we know of what we speak. They never look as good once you’re back home.)

Linda and Paul may have survived the test of time, but we don’t foresee the same for Sue and Mick.

Side note: Can we just say…WORST fake rich woman wardrobe in a movie ever. The clothes look like something you’d see in a high school production. In the final scene Sue leaves her apartment dressed in a cheap looking red dress, heels, huge red sunglasses, black gloves, and – our favorite touch – a long black and white head scarf. Please! It’s 10 o’clock in the morning! This movie was made in the 80′s and they have Sue dressed like Bette Davis in the 40′s. Where is Patricia Fields when you need her?