They’ve been replaying this on cable a lot recently so we thought we’d include it as our next Retro Reel.

We loved the first movie when we saw it – C and I left the theatre in true feel-good fashion.  The great soundtrack, funny dialogue, and of course requisite happy ending really worked for us.  However, even when we read the book (which we also loved) we couldn’t help but have our doubts about the fate of the couple.  Would an uptight human rights lawyer really fall for a blowsy alcoholic that smokes like a chimney as well?  As non-smokers we can tell you that this is a confirmed deal-breaker.

But after Edge of Reason came out we knew that the only reason this couple was together was because the script said so.  Honestly – who would go out with her?  We could not find a single redeeming quality that would attract any man outside the Bowery, much less a Mark Darcy.  Bridget Jones is, frankly, an idiot, and we don’t see how anyone would be able to put up with that for long unless they were also continuously plastered.  Somehow an uncouth woman with emphysema and a liver transplant in her future manages to win the heart of not just a handsome successful attorney but a beautiful lesbian as well?  Sorry, we just don’t think so.

The Movie: The Cutting Edge

Reel Thing Rating: 1 out of 5 Reels
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It’s The Odd Couple meets Ice Capades in this tale of a former hockey player turned figure skater and the strong-willed prima donna he pairs up with to try to make some Olympic magic. Instant hate turned to attraction turned to a more tender connection makes a good story, but what about a relationship? Do these two have a future once they climb down from the gold-medal podium?

We can see the relationship between Kate and Doug going one of two ways:

The Path To Destruction

They decide to become partners on and off the ice, taking a detour to the altar on the way to their next World Championships. This is bound to be nothing but disastrous for so many, many reasons.

It’s the rare couple that can spend all their time together, at work and at home, without being in some pretty serious danger of committing homicide, and these are not those people. Both Kate and Doug have big, explosive personalities, and some fairly serious anger management issues. Even though they develop a sense of rapport along the way, they still have a tendency to rub each other the wrong way.

Not to mention that they come from completely different worlds. We find it hard to picture Kate going for visits to Doug’s brother’s bar, and how comfortable is Doug ever going to feel in Kate’s hoity-toity world where everyone will always be looking down on him? We give it six months before one of them is jetting off to the Caribbean for a quickie divorce.

If the marriage actually lasts, well, we think that might be even worse. Kate’s an ice princess used to getting her way and Doug doesn’t take shit from anyone. He’s a dog with the ladies, and she’s not much on sharing. We imagine many nights of Doug stumbling home, smelling like another woman, confronted by a bitter, boozy Kate.

Doug: I wasn’t doing anything.

Kate: Toe pick!

Doug: Come on. I have no idea whose thong that is. Why do you always have to jump to conclusions?

Kate: Toe pick!

Doug: Okay, fine. I admit it! But if you weren’t such a shrew, I wouldn’t have to sleep with other women.

Kate: TOE PICK!!!!

Our prediction: These two do not medal in matrimony.

The Path To Becoming Access Hollywood’s Figure Skating Analysts

While we think Kate and Doug would be disastrous spouses or lovers, we also think they make a hell of a figure skating team. The best thing that could happen would be if the sexual attraction plays itself out in a few months, mellowing into the kind of friendship that’s a boon to their on-ice partnership.

We like to imagine them doing a successful stint with Stars on Ice (in a different, better world where Johnny Weir is the tour’s biggest asset), then becoming a coaching team who mold a series of Olympic contenders through a combination of merciless training and sarcastic banter, and finally when they’re ready to take it easy, they settle in as figure skating’s go-to team of analysts, peppering observations about shaky triple axels with eyerolls at each other’s bad puns and overblown sports clichés.

Our prediction: If they stick to being business partners and teammates, they’ll always be champions together!

The Movie: Titanic

Reel Thing Rating: 3 out of 5 Reels
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It’s big.  It’s mushy.  It’s really wet.  Three reasons why K loved it and C hated it.

But enough about us.  What about Jack and Rose?  Could they stay afloat?  If the big ship hadn’t gone down and taken Jack with it, would he now be puttering around his granddaughter’s house, yelling for Rose to leave that damn pottery wheel alone and fix his lunch?

It’s a wonderful thought – certainly better than selling Rose off to that asshole Cal.  But is it realistic?  Romantic as it sounds and as spirited a girl as Rose is, we wonder how long it will be before she starts to resent Jack for all the things she gave up, stifling as she may find them now.  But more importantly, a 1990′s movie set in 1912 is not even close to the reality of life in 1912, when class divisions were much more powerful.  The chances of Rose really sneaking off below decks to dance, much less do anything else with Jack, were probably impossible in that day and age.

And yet – they do have qualities in common.  They’re both strong-willed and full of fire and passion.  Leo and Kate had great onscreen chemistry and we both totally bought them as two young people in love.

So what’s our verdict?  The fact is that despite all the reasons against them there’s still something about Rose and Jack as a couple that we’re buying – so we’re going to give them 3 reels for effort.  Call us all wet – we think Rose and Jack have a chance at being The Reel Thing.  If of course he can come back to life.

Note from k&c: This is our first “Retro Reel,” an oldie but goodie, which we will be introducing every Friday. Enjoy!

The Movie: Dirty Dancing

Reel Thing Rating: 0 out of 5 Reels
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When pondering this couple, we realized that it was not so much a question of “Will they get together” but more one of “How can we keep them apart?”    As annoying as they are separately they are even more so together.  We tried to ask ourselves what they have in common and the answer was a resounding “Nothing.”

These two have too many strikes against them. They come from completely different backgrounds, and there’s a big age difference. Just saying the couple’s name makes us feel dirty, and not in a good way. Seriously – Johnny & Baby? Their wedding invitation will read more like an Amber Alert. If they were to actually get married we just can’t see it lasting. And are we the only ones that see them at their wedding in the same clothes as that last scene – her in a pink dress and him in the black leather jacket? (Actually we picture him like the Fonz, wearing his leather jacket wherever he goes – over his janitor uniform, in bed, at the christening.)

What’s more her parents hate him, and that can wear on a relationship very quickly. Yes her father kind of comes around in the end, but we don’t see him ever accepting Johnny as good enough for his Baby. We don’t really see Johnny thinking he’s good enough for Baby either. He’s got swagger, but not true self-confidence. Baby doesn’t have a whole lot of it either but she’s still very young and unlike Johnny she’s had a very supportive upbringing, so we can definitely see her developing more over time.

We were teenage girls at one time and we know what it’s like to have a crush on that dangerous older guy (although let’s remember, people, it’s not Sean Connery).  Nevertheless – do you really want to marry the first guy you sleep with? And what we really can’t figure out is what is his attraction to her, other than a virgin lay? Say the words ”Most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you” to any guy, even your husband, and we guarantee he’ll run screaming from the room.  The movie is so filled with moments like this that we never cease to be amazed at how well it did at the box office.

We see several possible outcomes for these two and none of them is happily ever after. We see her going off to law school and one day working at the UN, or going off to Kenya with the Peace Corps to study the economics of developing countries as she so fervently evangelizes. The best we can envision for Johnny is that he opens a dance school, which will give him a successful career of his own. And which also means that he’ll spend his days surrounded by beautiful young dancers while Baby is off saving the world. The worst case scenario, a/k/a what actually happens, is that he spends his days sitting on the couch in his underwear (and leather jacket), drinking beer and waiting for his wife the civil rights lawyer to get home and make dinner. Maybe he’ll occasionally rouse himself to go pay a visit to one of the ladies down the street. Hey, they’re throwing themselves at him. And they smell so good!

Mark our words; she’ll rue the day she yelled “You’re wild!” instead of “You’re history!” in that car.

And the winner is…Edward Lewis & Vivien Ward, Pretty Woman.

We thought long and hard before we selected our TRT inaugural couple.  Who to choose for our “cover”?   New couple or classic, well matched or not?  Scarlett & Rhett?  Jack & Rose?  Johnny & Baby?

We decided to kick it off with a classic that everyone knows and loves.  Or doesn’t.  We wanted names that are instantly recognizable, and to be honest, a couple on the low end of the scale. Because let’s face it – they’re just more fun.  And truthfully that’s the whole point of this website.

While the names Edward & Vivien may not have the household recognition of a Harry & Sally, we defy you to find someone that doesn’t know the movie Pretty Woman.

And so – to the Reel Thing debut review.

Edward & Vivien. People.  Please.  Are you honestly telling us that there is a believer among you?  Is there anyone out there that truly thinks that these two are going to have, in Vivien’s words, “the fairytale?”  Sad to say but Viv’s friend Kit is the only sensible one in this scenario.

Sure we went with it for a while; we drank the Kool-Aid.  Things started out dreamy, as they do in every new relationship.  We started getting sucked in by Ed and Viv the way Viv got sucked in by the champagne and raspberries.  But there was one small problem, something niggling at us..let’s see, what was it, what was it…

Oh wait – she’s a HOOKER!

Like a walk along the Sunset Strip, we got smacked by a dose of reality.  Are we supposed to just accept that he really is OK with her past?  We know there are a lot of professionals out there with a lot more experience under their belts but still – once your guy knows you’ve slept with strangers for money it’s just a matter of time before that rears its ugly head.  Like in the eventual custody battle, for instance.

The relationship is not remotely believable.  Guys that grow up in penthouses may visit whorehouses but they’re typically not shopping for their future brides.  So we just can’t see Ed and Viv spending their golden years having early suppers together at the club.  Yes, Edward is an only child and we know at least one of his parents is gone, so perhaps he won’t have any family approval issues to deal with.  But there is still going to be a lot of peer pressure from all of his rich, gossipy friends.  And while he seems perfectly capable of rising above it, we wonder if she is. Every dinner party and bridge game will be like reliving her encounter with the women from the clothing store.

Even if you were able to put the matter of her career aside, there’s still too much of an age, class and background distinction.  Edward is about 40; she’s 22.  We don’t see that gap narrowing as they get older.  He’s also pretty emotionally stunted; we doubt that one hike up a 5th floor fire escape is going to do what years of therapy could not.  And while Viv does clean up nice, a few expensive dresses do not a sense of style make.  Two days ago she thought hot pants and thigh-high boots were appropriate for daytime shopping.  That doesn’t change overnight.  What happens when she wears them to the charity golf outing?  He can’t pick out her clothes for the rest of her life.

Don’t get us wrong; they do have chemistry.  (There’s a shocker – a rich handsome man and a beautiful young woman that does “everything” have chemistry.  Attraction doesn’t get any easier than that.)  It’s that chemistry that made us drink the Kool-Aid in the first place.  In fact when we first started to consider this couple we were transported back to 1995 and the first time we saw it; we could even smell the popcorn.  We remember cheering along as this lovely, sparkly Cinderella got her prince. It seemed the most romantic movie we’d ever seen.  That thing with the jewelry box?  Was there a girl in the theater that didn’t want to be in her shoes at that moment?  And there were so many other delightful moments like this – the utterly extravagant shopping spree, her first trip to the opera, the picnic in the park, and the way in which Edward was given full reign over the restaurant after hours. We were completely sucked in by the sheer indulgence of it all.

As we recall this delusion lasted half an hour.  Which is 30 minutes longer than we give this relationship.

We therefore award our First Couple a heartfelt and unanimous 0 Reels.