This movie didn’t seem to inspire critics or audiences, but for some reason it really struck a chord with us.  Although in fairness we probably have to admit that it’s primarily because of the many great supporting performances – most notably Peter’s randy, bickering parents and James McAvoy as his randy, delightfully opportunistic brother that bets against him on every game. We did love Lizzie and Peter too (that big screen kiss after he won the tournament is one of our favorite guilty pleasure movie moments).  But do we really see them retiring to Miami together?  Sadly, probably not.

Peter Colt and Lizzie Bradbury are both professional tennis players but at opposite ends of their games. Lizzie is a young rising star; Peter has been playing for years and is already past the age when many pro players retire. The two meet at Wimbledon: Lizzie is a top seeded favorite and Peter is there because he won a wild card spot in the games. He’s already decided this will be the last tournament of his career. He’s clearly a long shot; he hasn’t won a major tournament in years and he’s got a whole host of physical complaints: mental and physical fatigue, sore muscles, knee pains and backaches.

We love the chemistry and clever banter between these two but don’t see how it can possibly last. Peter is already complaining about how old he feels; how is he going to keep up with a woman that’s nearly 20 years younger and full of more energy than most 2 year olds?  We know age is just a number, but we think the huge number between their ages is one they won’t get past.  They might make it last a couple of years but eventually she’ll also get tired and want to move on to someone that wants to stay up past 8PM. Furthermore, Lizzie is clearly poised to become a much bigger success than Peter ever was or ever will be, and we see some pretty serious professional and financial jealousy in his near future. Teaching tennis to kids and old ladies is not going to be satisfy him for long, and even the memory of his one great tennis season won’t be enough to sustain him on the days his beautiful young wife is out winning another tournament or posing for Wheaties ads.

They’ll have a couple of fun years, but it won’t be long before they’re heading from the tennis court to the divorce court.

The only thing more unlikely than the relationship in this film is the plot, although we must confess that we find it charming nonetheless. In this highly realistic political thriller (not!), the Secret Service finds ordinary Americans who happen to look like the POTUS to double for him at public events. Or so Ving Rhames tells us. Dave Kovic, happy-go-lucky employment agency owner, is pressed into service to pass himself off as President Bill Mitchell, who has better things to do that night. With one of his female staffers. Cue the massive stroke!

Dave gets coaxed into continuing to impersonate the president, this time on the national stage—and yes, we do cry for the Constitution. Along the way he manages to balance the budget, save a homeless shelter or two, and pass a jobs bill. The real test, though, is passing himself off to First Lady Ellen Mitchell. She and the president have a distant relationship, so when Dave is too appreciative, she figures out that this is not her husband. She and Dave join forces to serve the national interests, until the real President’s misdeeds make it necessary for the charade to end and Dave to drift back to his ordinary life. In the end, he decides to run for city council and Ellen drops by to volunteer and canoodle with the candidate.

There are things about this relationship that make the romantic in us go: Aww! In one scene, Dave and Ellen are in the presidential limo on their way to an appearance, and Dave casts an admiring glance at Ellen’s legs. This takes her by surprise, since she still thinks this is her husband, and he hasn’t noticed her legs in a long, long time. That Dave really sees Ellen and appreciates her is very appealing.

In the final analysis, though, there are just too many practical concerns standing in this couple’s way. We have to ask ourselves: Could we start a new life with an exact double for the lying, cheating bastard who stole the best years of our life? Not so much. Also, how confusing would it be for other people to see the former First Lady on the arm of someone who’s a dead ringer for her late husband? Hearing “I thought you were dead” a hundred times a day would begin to wear on any relationship.

Despite some nice moments between these two, we have to veto this couple with a rating of 2 reels.

We have to start off by saying these movies with multiple relationships really do not help make our jobs easier.

Which unlikely couple do we focus on? Gil and his mismatch of a fiancee Inez? Gil and his imaginary girlfriend from the 1920s Adrianna? Or Gil and his pedophiliac fantasy Gabrielle? None of them fosters a strong sense of longevity.

We’ll start with Gil and Inez, since they’re at least both – in the movie sense anyway – real. Gil Prender is a successful but dissatisfied screenplay writer in LA. What he’d really like though is to be a successful novelist living in Paris in the 20′s. His fiancee Inez is perfectly fine with their LA lifestyle. And that’s just the beginning of their differences.

Gil is sweet and relatively easy-going, but he’s restless, searching for more meaning in his life, and suffering from severe Peter Pan syndrome. Inez is equally dissatisfied but for different, or more specifically more – reasons. She is attractive, well off, and well loved, yet nothing makes her happy, including her fiancee. Her only apparent attraction to Gil seems to be that he is an available and willing recipient for her unending criticism.

As for Gil and Adrianna – well the fact that she lived nearly 100 years ago will probably put a slight crimp in things. As amenable as Gil is even he will get tired of having to go out at midnight every night just to see his wife. Of course he could stay in the 20s and pursue his dream of being a writer. In some ways he and Adrianna are well suited – both a little quiet and dreamy and too easily pushed around by others. Both are currently involved with bullies – Adrianna with Picasso and Gil with Inez. If Gil were really able to remain in the past it’s possible that he and Adrianna could build a future together. We don’t know if they’d be terribly successful but they’d be happy in the little dreamworld they would build for themselves.

As for Gil and Gabrielle – please gag us with une cuillère, as French valley girls might have said in the 80′s. Can we have one Woody Allen movie that doesn’t throw a nubile virgin and an aging nebbish together into a completely implausible relationship? It’s easy to see what he sees in her, but what on earth would she see in him?

Sadly we think the duo that is most likely out of these three is Gil and Inez. Yes they’re both miserable but it’s taken a lot more than that to prevent millions of other couples from heading to the altar. We can foresee them spending the rest of their lives with her being bitchy and unfaithful, him being submissive and spending more and more time at the office, and them both raising kids that are sullen and unappreciative. They’ll be financially successful; he’ll continue with his soul-destroying career and eventually her parents will die and leave her all their money. And one day they’ll hire Gabrielle to babysit, and Gil will spend the rest of his days building a fantasy life around her that will never be fulfilled.

Ah, the American dream.

If Melanie’s gone to all that trouble to get out of Alabama and change her life then we just can’t see her running back to it.  There is no doubt that Jake is a certified hottie, but even if he does have the most popular glass shop south of the Mason Dixon, the fact is that he is and always will be a redneck.  A woman who lives in New York, works as a fashion designer with raves in WWD, is engaged to the most eligible JFK, Jr knockoff in town and has erased all traces of her southern past, does not move back down to hicksville to be with her first boyfriend. As C likes to say—a real-life Melanie who got the hell out of backwardsville at the first available opportunity—it’s not so much that you can’t go home again, as you just really, really don’t want to.

There is definite chemistry and of course history between these two, but we just don’t think Melanie would let it go so far as another marriage. We see her coming to her senses, heading back to the city, and eventually settling down with someone who’s more Dior Homme than John Deere.

Although Gwyneth Paltrow’s Kelly Canter is clearly the star of this picture, she and husband James have already been together for quite some time. So we decided to focus on the budding romance between up-and-comers Beau and Chiles.

Beau Hutton is a young singer and songwriter that has fallen for Kelly, country music mega-star. Kelly attempts to pass him off as her AA sponsor but no one is buying that; least of all Kelly’s husband who nevertheless invites Beau to tour with them as an opening act, apparently willing to tolerate anyone that he thinks will keep Kelly in line. Also joining them is Chiles Stanton, another young singer that appears to be having an affair with James. Beau and Chiles are already acquainted and he regards her as little more than an empty-headed pop princess whose main priority is which dress to wear and who freezes every time she’s onstage.

It turns out there is more to Chiles than meets the eye, but we’re not sure if it’s enough to sustain a lifelong relationship with Beau. Chiles is deeper than she appears; she actually has not just a great voice but songwriting talent as well, and despite her outward animosity she has clearly fallen for Beau. The two share some very tender moments together and begin a very special affair, and Beau eventually falls in love with Chiles and out of love with Kelly.

But we don’t think what they have has enough country strength to last a lifetime. We can see the way Chiles eyes light up when she looks at Beau. But it’s nothing compared to the wattage they exude when she’s onstage listening to the roar of the crowd. Beau cares nothing for the fame and the fans; he just wants a quiet life and someone to love him. Chiles wants to be A Star. It’s been her dream since birth, and we don’t think she is going to be happy settling for singing duets with Beau at the local watering hole. Throwing it all away for love might seem romantic for a short while, but eventually she is going to resent giving up her dreams of stardom, especially if a few young’uns come along and she’s tied down completely.

We may be crazy as all git out, but we see the relationship between Beau and Chiles eventually going Country Wrong.

According to Box Office Mojo, Hitch was 3rd in the list of top grossing romantic comedies since 1978. (As Good As It Gets came in at No. 10 and if you’ve read our about page you know how we feel about that.)

Really? We guess we can understand this on some level – both Alex and Sara are easy on the eyes and we can definitely see their appeal. But 3rd in the last 32 years? Not seeing that.

The two show some early potential, but things quickly fall apart for us once Sara starts showing her dark underside. Hitch is smart, sexy, tall, dark and handsome, and he gets women. Sara doesn’t even get herself. She is also smart and sexy, a beautiful tough-as-nails gossip reporter with a vulnerable side she is looking to hide. They first meet in a bar when Hitch rescues Sara from a persistent suitor. Sara does her best to appear cool but is clearly curious about this handsome stranger, and the two seem well matched at verbal sparring.

We loved their first date, or – to be more specific – we loved the invitation, complete with messenger-delivered walkie talkie and wet suit. Hitch definitely gets points for creativity.

Unfortunately Sara’s crazy side quickly begins to show. We found her extreme display of emotion upon seeing her great great (great?) grandfather’s name at Ellis Island inexplicable – are we heartless bitches for asking: who gets that choked up over a relative that died 100 years ago and that they’ve never met? And what was with the little fit she had after waking up on Hitch’s couch one morning and finding him gone – for coffee?

But the final straw came for us the night he had her over for dinner. Unfortunately (but understandably) Hitch is not upfront about what he does for a living, and when Sara eventually finds out she is (also understandably) upset. But instead of just confronting him like an adult and asking for an explanation, she stages an embarrassing scene that includes wine-chugging and a mini food fight.

There comes a moment in a relationship when the person you like suddenly does something that makes you realize: you are not who I thought you were. This would have been that moment for us, and we think, for Alex as well. Why he would choose to go back we find mystifying.

This is not a grownup. OK, we’ve all had our meltdowns, but there’s just a few too many here for our comfort level. And what really bugs us is that they all feel totally contrived.

Call us grownups but we just don’t think that a woman who looks good in glasses, tight skirts and heels provides sufficient grounds for getting hitched. Run, Alex! Run!

Sidebar: The couple we did think had potential here was Albert and Allegra. Both adorable, sweet, kind and with a goofiness that was extremely endearing. Those two we will happily give 5 Reels to.

The Movie: It’s Kind Of A Funny Story

Reel Thing Rating: 2 out of 5 Reels
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16-year-old Craig is feeling depressed and overwhelmed by the bleakness of life – family, friends, school pressures, sex, war, crime, illness, poverty, famine – it’s all too much for him. In a moment of suicidal panic he checks himself into a psychiatric ward for help and then immediately regrets it when he finds himself trapped with a bunch of people much worse off than he is.

Among the characters he encounters is fellow teenager Noelle, who is in for self-mutilation disorder. Noelle is both quirky and sexy, beautiful as well as challenging, and Craig is understandably captivated by her. Over the course of Craig’s 5-day stay they manage to fall for each other, overcoming such tough obstacles as lack of privacy and Craig’s long hidden obsession with his best friend’s girlfriend.

Thereby begging the question: Are mental institutions a good place to meet the love of your life? Perhaps dating coaches should start adding them to their list along with the internet, house parties, sporting events, and the mens department at Bloomingdale’s.

OK, probably not. So, although we don’t see Craig and Noelle having grandchildren together, we do think they will be good for each other through their high school years. Both are sweet, sensitive (probably overly so) and caring, and looking for someone to care for them. Both have the ability to laugh despite their circumstances and we think that, having learned this lesson early, they will continue to cultivate it as they grow older. But the fact is they’re extremely young, and neither is without issues which could easily resurface at any time if another crisis confronts them. Craig’s seem fairly superficial and may work themselves out in time, but a lot of teenagers tend to take things harder than the adults around them realize. And in Noelle’s case, self-mutilation is fairly serious so it’s pretty likely that she has a few more years on the couch ahead of her.

Of course, if they do make it, it will make kind of a funny story to tell their grandchildren.

The Movie: Easy A

Reel Thing Rating: 2 out of 5 Reels
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Whether sassy Olive and sexy Todd will get together is not really the point of this movie. Like Cady Heron (Mean Girls) before her, Olive must learn the lesson of what happens when you try to be something you’re not. Though she does get the guy in the end (it is a teen comedy after all) their shared screen time together is fairly brief so we didn’t really have too much to go on.

However, we loved this movie so much that we decided to rate the couple just so we’d have an excuse to write about it. Great, witty dialogue – the best we’ve seen in a movie in years. We laughed out loud through the entire thing, and we can’t remember the last time we did that. We did find the premise a bit of a stretch; in these jaded times we can’t see lost virginity – especially for someone who describes themselves as anonymous – generating that much fascination. But it was such a fun ride that we were willing to go along.

As for Olive and Todd, well, we think they’ll be a great high school couple, but we don’t see them lasting beyond college. Both seem inherently different – although he has a great time playing devils, woodchucks, and assorted food items, Todd still seems like a fairly regular guy. Olive’s the one that has the hidden quirky side, and we think as they get older their differences will become more apparent. Eventually they’ll want to head in different directions.

They’ll part as friends and re-connect at their high school reunion. Both will look better than ever, and they’ll both be happily married to people that are better suited to their temperaments and lifestyles. She’ll be a writer, perhaps doing a column ala Carrie Bradshaw. He’ll be in business or law, spending weekends playing golf or enjoying time with his wife and kids at the country club pool.

The Movie: Grease

Reel Thing Rating: 2 out of 5 Reels
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We guess you could take the fact that they were graduating from high school in their 30′s as a sign of their ability to commit to something to the bitter end.  There is a certain sweetness to them and they do both go to an awful lot of trouble for each other at the end.  But we can’t get away from the fact that they’re from opposite sides of the track.  Although we suspect that there were probably a lot of these types of unions back in the 50′s. (At least it seems that way from all the other movies we’ve seen from that period.)

We have other concerns about these two. The fact that she has to go slutty to get her man is not a good sign of things to come.  Although it’s probably really just for show; there is something so good and wholesome about Sandy that we can’t see her going all the way without a gold ring on her finger. (Possibly not even then). And much as he likes to play the bad boy there is a certain decency to Danny that we think will allow him to respect her for that. Although he’ll certainly continue to try.

Of course there’s also the chance that he’ll knock her up over the summer and they’ll wind up making their parents (hers anyway) miserable by “doing the right thing”.

However they get together, we can’t see it lasting forever. For one thing we suspect her parents won’t care for him, although again we can’t say for sure as we don’t get to see them. But unhappy parents usually create unhappy couples. Furthermore once you get past the “teenage” (sure we’ll play along) hormone-fueled mutual attraction, what do they have in common? Not much that we can see. What we can see is her tiring of hanging out with his bozo friends pretty quickly. Hers too for that matter.

If they do get as far as an engagement we think her parents will have her on the next plane to Australia faster than you can say “greased lightning.” And if they are crazy enough to get all the way to the altar, it will only be by eloping. Eventually they’ll divorce after the kids are in high school.

The Movie: Spiderman

Reel Thing Rating: 2 out of 5 Reels
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We looked at this in two ways:

Superhero plus Pretty Girl
Class Nerd plus Pretty Girl

Neither equation really adds up for us.  We know that they were friends first.  He’s good to her and he’s always loved her.  He’s very loyal and we can guarantee he’ll never cheat.

But how long do high school romances really last?  Once a nerd always a nerd, even if you are a superhero.  Besides, it’s hard enough to marry a cop; the divorce rate for superheroes must be in the 90 percentile.  He’ll miss every big occasion and forget holiday weekends.  And imagine that awkward moment the first time he sees her flush a spider down the toilet.

But the really sticky issue for us was – how good could he be in bed?  We strongly suspect he’s still a virgin – we’ve never seen them do it and considering his pre-Spidey popularity we’re guessing he’s hasn’t with anyone else either.  Nothing will shatter his superhero image quicker than not knowing how to work the spinneret.

There is a certain sweet charm to them as a couple, but nevertheless we still don’t see them lasting for the long haul.  He’ll never end it; she was his dream girl and always will be. We think she’ll be the one to call it quits.  It will probably be the first time arachnophobia is grounds for divorce.