How many millions of dollars does it take before you can overlook a major drinking problem?

Arthur Bach is a mega-millionaire, the sole heir to a long-established family fortune. While that single feature would be enough to attract a fair number of potential wives, he is not without baggage. He’s a small child trapped in the body of a not much bigger man. Not only has he never worked a day in his life, he’s never done anything for himself in his life. Between his manservant Hobson, his driver Bitterman, and his stern but doting grandmother Martha, there’s always someone to take care of his every need. And the only thing he has to do to guarantee that he keeps getting money for the rest of his life is to marry Susan Johnson, the woman his family has hand-picked for him.

And then there’s the drinking. Most likely feeling unworthy due to his complete lack of usefulness, Arthur is a raging alcoholic. He gets drunk daily and shows up for every event in his life completely hammered; he can’t even get through his morning bath without a pitcher of martinis. And with unlimited funds behind him he can afford to drink the best every day and not have to worry about driving himself home.

Arthur does have an endearing innocence about him, and an entertaining sense of humor, although no one seems to find him as funny as he does. He loves to play and has a child’s capacity for fun. Yet there are clearly issues of insecurity lurking beneath the surface; no one drinks that much because they’re happy and fulfilled. Or asks a prostitute he just met 10 minutes before if she likes him in such earnest. As Arthur himself says, “Everyone who drinks is not a poet. Maybe some of us drink because we’re not poets.”

Into all this madness comes Linda Marolla, a tough-talking Italian girl from the outer boroughs that Arthur rescues from a shoplifting charge one day at Bergdorf Goodman. She’s poor, she’s hardworking, she’s kooky. She lies and steals. She’s different, and Arthur is immediately smitten. And of course for Linda’s part, meeting a rich and charming prince must seem like a fairytale.

But while we can understand the initial attraction between these two, we have serious doubts about their potential for longevity. And ironically we think it’s Linda that will throw in the towel first. It’s not that Arthur isn’t lovable. He’s cute, he’s caring and he’s decent. He’s got piles of money. But watching your husband drink himself into a stupor every night, standing by as he pisses away his health and his fortune, wondering if he’s going to back the car one of your kids one day, could make the price of even the largest of fortunes too high to pay.

Even if Arthur were to spend a year at Betty Ford, he’s still got a tremendous amount of growing up to do. He has no sense of self-sufficiency – he’s never had a job; he’s never even turned on the water for his own bath. And while this little quirk might be acceptable in a friend, it would wear thin fast in a spouse. We also have to seriously question his capability as a father. Yes he’d be a fun one, but would he truly be able to raise children, to teach them anything of value besides how to drink Scotch?

Arthur’s ex-fiance Susan tells him “A real woman could stop you from drinking,” to which he replies “She’d have to be a real big woman.” Unless Linda plans to start eating heavily, we don’t think she’ll be up to the task.

Side note: Yes we know there’s a remake. But much as we like Helen Mirren and Jennifer Garner, nothing could induce us to go see a movie with Russell Brand, whose career we find even more inexplicable than Adam Sandler’s.

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